Grumpy Old Man Hair Envy.

It looks like I am getting too old to have proper hair. I do still have a fair amount of it, as long as I don’t look in the barbers mirror when she shows me the back of my head. But, its now become very white, very very fine and quite wispy — I have in fact gone Severely Grandad. Which is bloody annoying on a windy day — and in the language of Hair it definitely has NoBody.

I have begun to understand that my hair is, in fact, bipolar. I am now aware it flicks between only 2 moods or states of being. Firstly there is the happy; just washed today shiny white, very fine and blow away state. And then Secondly there is the morose: it was only washed yesterday and now its lank, dull, flat and greasy state.

In response to this I have of course tried out all of my teenage Daughters hair stuff; from bottles, tubes, jars, upside down squeezy dispensers and those tricky ‘shaped’ packs which require a certificate from Mensa in order to understand how to open them. She has creams, gels, lotions, potions, shampoos, conditioners plus other products that are specifically guaranteed to feed my hair and encourage growth; or to smooth out curls; to give it body; to smooth in waves; cure my split ends; mend my uncouth ways and eventually to establish world peace.

I find there is also hair product that uses so much scientific vocabulary about its ingredients that its not possible for a lay person to work out exactly what it is doing in your shampoo. As an example, for Hyaluronic Acid — marketing puff reveals:

“Hyaluronic acid is an anionic, nonsulfated glycosaminoglycan distributed widely throughout connective, epithelial, and neural tissues”.

So why would this be in my shampoo? Perhaps because there is a glut of it on World Markets? But it sounds like it should be a suitably expensive additive doesn’t it.

Then of course there is the really annoying Old Mans thing of coming to terms with the fertile growth escaping from my ears and nose with unwelcome vigour. And, to make it worse, this new new crop is not thin and wispy like the fine, failing white stuff on top. Oh no, it is stiff and sinuous, it grows rapidly and it has re-emerging colour. Consequently I have had to deploy my very own Techno Response:-

The Nose and Ear Hair Terminator Whirling Vortex Cutter.

Actually its an attachment that came with my beard trimmer. I have ignored it until now, but surprisingly it is quite effective. Except of course for the obvious bit about you not being able to see just what or where you are cutting with it when you stick it in your ears. Unfortunately, in this mode of use you also get the uncomfortably magnified sound of a large machine scything its way through the heavy undergrowth and occasionally coming across a thick tree stump. And that’s not really enough to go on when attacking this hairy aural growth phenomena.

Additionally, there is also the issue of my bloody blooming eyebrows. As an ordinary Bloke, I have not had to be concerned with these embryonic eye shades before now. So for the last 60 odd years I have not felt a desperate need to shape them, trim them, colour them, shave them off, or otherwise redesign there very being in the light of fashion. Now however, I have to have them cropped on a regular basis otherwise they will grow wildly; tend to droop alarmingly and then blur my vision like an unwanted hanging garden. And, like the Ear/Nose Hair resurgence outbreaks, they also manage to display a noticeable amount of colour, presumably as a direct ‘FU’ challenge to the wispy thin stuff still clinging on at the top of my head.

I do understand that looking back is not always a positive thing to do. But, in my defense, I feel I have put quite a lot of effort into successfully reaching this age with all my limbs, the majority of my teeth and hopefully all of my faculties, reasonably intact. Thus, I was looking forward to a quieter existence in general.

Consequently I am not impressed with any form of hirsute intrusion effecting my long laid plans for a comfortable and easy later life. My Local Barber says she will join me in this fightback — and is probably already thinking of increasing her prices.

Be Well.